


nothing compares

by keigold



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M, Suggestive Themes, foreshadowed addiction, i'm still no good at tags, sakusa is troubled, tiniest bits of fluff, unhealthy relationship, use of alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:00:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29309214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keigold/pseuds/keigold
Summary: Even when you’re the greatest thing in his life, Sakusa can’t help but to walk away from your arms.
Relationships: Sakusa Kiyoomi & Reader, Sakusa Kiyoomi/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	nothing compares

Sakusa has always had a void inside of him. A finite region in his chest—a collapse brought from self-destruction—vast enough to swallow him in its wake, to tear down all he tries so hard to preserve. And the deeper his longing is, the faster he makes it burn. 

You were no exception. 

You were doomed from the get-go. An angel of rosy cheeks with a peal of laughter resembling the tolling of church bells was far out of his reach. He still tried anyway. The welcoming glow of your eyes under the alluring red lights of some club downtown an ideal excuse to do so. You spoke with careless innocence, your transparent demeanor a clear indication of a child raised within the comforts of old money. However, there was a charm around you —something about those doe-like eyes—, that had him drinking in greed up to the slightest bit of you. 

He succumbed to the hesitant brush of your petal-soft hand against his while you murmured prettily in his ear, suggesting to take this elsewhere, that the crowd is too loud. If it weren’t for the dainty blush spread across your cheeks, he would have thought the naivety of before was just a facade.

Your cravings met halfway in the after-hours. Sakusa got high in the burning devotion chanting out of your lips, in the blinding lust alight in a half-lidded gaze as his brain memorized the bruises blooming in the smooth valley between your plump breasts, the enticing prancing of your hips. The taste of you was the greatness of a heaven he would never have the right to step on. 

This was meant to be a one time thing. Sakusa knew he wasn’t deserving of someone from the likes of you. But you, an exquisite antithesis of himself, conveyed the adamance he lacked of. How could he, a dear old victim of earthly pleasures, be able to deny you?

Soon, your little rendezvous blossomed into a newborn love that was not less than precious. 

You were always in each other’s eyes. The aroma of freshly brewed jasmine tea filled mornings of solitude and the tickle of your endearing polka-dot socks grew familiar, warming the left side of his chest as he caught a glimpse of your gaze behind the pages of a book. Afternoons cuddled up under the sheets, taking turns to taste your smiles and swallow joyous giggles as you whispered silly nothings to each other. You were all his eyes saw, and his lungs breathed. 

Things turned on the brighter side for Sakusa. With you, he felt invincible. If he ever once had a grasp of a tinge of forgiving goodness for his mistakes, a chance to be reborn, it was in the love you gave him.

But good things never last long for Sakusa before he destroys them. 

It started off slowly, he thought it was possible to control it, to keep it away from you; because what would you think of him if you knew what held him enslaved?—That damning dependency and corruption that defined him so well—Would you look at him as the others do? Would you change your mind? What would you do if you found out he had been fooling you all this time?

There were hints of awareness in the fatigue beneath your eyes, in the dampness of your eyelashes tickling under his jaw, in the dishonest yet painfully beautiful smile you rewarded him with every time he asked if you were okay. By the time he wanted to stop, it was too late. Because deities had already written the history of you two, a tragedy worthy of Homer’s.

Sakusa still feels the tears drenching his shirt, the firm punch of your clenching fists he tried desperately to stop by engulfing you in his arms. He remembers the pain bursting in his chest when you recoiled in horror, repelling the touch you always had craved. When you kept voicing out in faltering pleas, the only question he still has no answer for, lips trembling. ' _Why?’_ He doesn’t know why he does this either.

But what he will never forget, is the lack of light swirling in your orbs when he told you that you were just a girl, that he didn’t have time for you anymore, even though they were far away from the truth. But you’ll never know that, because he never told you he loved you. He had doubts bubbling inside of him right after you tilted your head at him, cheeks flushed from exhaustion, dry tears on top giving them a lovely glow. If he were the idea you have of him, he would go back into your arms and whisper the truth on your lips. But is he _really_ what you think of him? 

He is not. That’s why he didn’t spare you a glance when he pried your arms away. Not even when the dead weight of his steps made its way back to the entrance, not when your sobs pierced his ears. Sakusa just could not bear to look in your eyes and see the sad, pathetic truth of who he is. 

Once again, the void in his chest ended up tearing apart everything he cares about.

* * *

You didn’t call him after that, and neither did he. 

He didn’t see you again either. Some close friends of yours came to his apartment to collect your belongings, giving Sakusa murderous glances as he reluctantly gave them the boxes filled with the remaining bits of your presence in his life. But he took one last liberty to steal the half-empty bottle of your perfume. And yes, he’s been with several other girls after you, too many even. But they don’t matter to him, none of them care about him the way you did, a way he didn’t give its worth back then, right when it mattered. 

He is once again in the bar where you two met, the air of decadent glamour reminding him of your first time together. Misery looms heavy in his sixth whisky, reflection drowning in a dull shade of gold as his eyes drift around the bar, trying not to think about you. But he can’t do that when the girl next to the entrance looks just like you. 

She is standing on her back, the inches of her heels giving away her average height, somewhere near yours, although her body is less slender. Her haircut is quite similar—like the one you got in a frenzy months after meeting each other—, and the shade of it is spot on, a hue you constantly complained about how average it was, but that he so much adored. 

Maybe it’s the alcohol or the lack of sleep. Because for a brief moment, barely the split of a second, he sees you. You are about to tilt your head, to set your eyes on that stranger who is looking at you way too much. Your smile is heavenly. He can hear the tolling of church bells, the tinkling of your laughter, golden and warm as the glow on your cheeks. You look so beautiful, even more so than the first time he met you. He can almost brush the soft curve of your neck he loved to press his mouth on. 

“Sorry, I think you got the wrong person.” 

He blinks his eyes a couple of times, a distinct sense of dejection washing over him as he meets the bashful, flustered expression of some other girl instead of yours. She is fairly pretty, having a luscious pair of lips framing a set of pearly white teeth; and the dimple adorning the right side of her cheek enhances her charm. But she’s just a watered version of you. She is not you. No one is you. 

Sakusa chugs down the rest of his drink in a frenzy, leaving a few bucks on the table and to the exit, ignoring the girl’s complaints. His throat tightens, and his hands come to rescue tugging the collar of his shirt. A chilly breeze hits his face as he steps out of the pub. Why does he find it hard to breathe? Why does he keep seeing you everywhere even though you have moved to another city? Why does he suffocate at the thought of never feeling your touch again? That you will never laugh for him again? 

But what Sakusa will never know is that you feel the same. No matter how far you are from each other, how many kilometers keep you away from repeating the same mistakes. If there is something that still brings you together, like a wormhole connecting two remote regions in space, is that emptiness you both share.


End file.
